Crossroads

I'm at a crossroads in my life (again), and since i don't know who i am to become, i'm feeling kind of lost and it is becoming more and more of a stress. How do i prepare for one road when i am hoping with all my heart that i will end up on the other road?

The one road leads to going back to school and finding a new place to lived here in the seattle area, possibly on my own, but possibly with my 19 year old daughter (she needs her independance, but living together gives us both hugely needed rent breaks while having a 'safe' roommate). So even that particular road isn't even very well defined, but rather filled with possiblities and maybes and what if's.

The other road leads to L...to Him. It would mean moving a long distance away (not a problem really, tho a long way from my daughter), to a man i've become very very attached to (and yes i'm too chicken to use the 'L' word...which i want to use but don't feel safe enough to yet) and a life i'd like to be a part of.

The more stressed i become over it all tho, the more i am thinking that first road might be the wisest (read that as the safest lol). Going back to school for my bachelors would be a very safe life...live frugally on student financing and loans, do my little classes, have a nice quiet life by myself, not having to live up to anyone elses expectations. Most of the time, i want the life with Him...belonging to Him, being in His arms, being used by Him, sharing His life and being safe and happy and content with Him. But that other 10% of the time...sigh....it just sounds impossibly hard and like i'm setting myself up for failure. How can i be enough to make Him happy with me? I know i'm not skinny enough or in good enough shape for him right now - and the more i worry about it all, the worse both of them get. The more i stress and worry, the more emotional i am, the heavier i become, the less i do about it, and the worse shape i get in, which leads to the BIG one - the less sexy i feel, the less labito i have, the less i even think about  - or want - sex.

So four HUGE issues that i know are deal breakers, and the more i worry about them, the worse they get.

• being over emotional
• being over weight
• being out of shape
• being not sexual/horney

The logical person in me says *insert gruff commanding voice here* "so take Control and do something about them!". There is that word tho....CONTROL. There can be a huge difference between 'knowing' what to do and 'doing' it. I feel like i am failing, tho my duagher told me the other night that failing means quiting - giving up, that it doesn't mean struggling or doing poorly. I'm having trouble with that one cause to me, failing has always meant not being able to do it perfectly. You either do it right or you have failed at it. Wow...saying it like that sounds harsh tho....cause i know if i were talking about my daughter or Sir instead of myself, i'd not say that at all. I'd tell them that all you can do is try, and that doing your best was NOT failing at all. Even in grading, an F is failing, a D isn't.

My Sir tells me that i am failing when HE says i am....but what i worry most is what he doeesn't say. He says He will tell me when there is a problem.....but to be honest, i don't believe Him....i think really He will only tell me when it's become such a problem that we are over...and then it's too late. Too late to do better, to late to try harder, to late to find solutions. It's like right now between Him and i....i KNOW there are problems - i'm too emotional and i'm not being sexual enough - and i'm struggling to find solutions....tho as often as not, i get too wound up in the problems and don't find or put into practice solutions that are needed to solve the problems. The more stressed i get, the worse i get, and the worse i get, the more stressed i get. I feel like i'm on a ride here and i can't find the way off! And the more scared i get, the more i withdraw from Him and the less sexual i feel in general and the more often it all comes thru in little (or huge) emotional spurts...kinda like little leaks in the crack in the wall of the dam lol - which is a damn good analogy (pardon the pun lol), so much gets backed up and built up and i wish - oh how i wish! - that instead of it all getting backed up and building pressure, it would just run along in a little steady stream! I LOVE myself when i'm in that state...just trickling along, sometimes little, sometimes a bit bigger, but moving and living and happy. I hate it when it gets too much and backs up and things get overwhelming and i start feeling so out of control and lost and struggling to keep my head above water.